Sometimes I wonder on how perfectly fine days I can become such an emotional recluse. It’s as if a switch has been flipped. I find myself ditching my plans, ignoring my phone and sitting on my couch completely silent for hours contemplating the same scenarios over and over in my head. Some days I wake up and I will literally do nothing but lay in complete darkness in my room until I am physically forced to get up. I withdraw into these dark emotional lulls thinking I’m upset over a particular situation, until I ask myself- do you really care that they did that? …No. You’re mad they aren’t calling- would you even answer if they did? …No. You want them to make some huge change, but would you take them back even if they did? …and the answer is always no.
Here I realize I am more upset …that I am upset
I’m more annoyed with myself …that I am annoyed
hurt with myself, that I still can be hurt
and angry, that people still have the power to bring out these feelings.
I realize my problem isn’t what they’ve done, but instead that they have the ability to do so.
I am extremely controlling when it comes to my emotions and my relationships. Everything is a choice, every statement is an option, and every action has a reaction- all of which I analyze before making any form of assertion. Any words I say are true, any emotion I express is real, and anyone I spend time with I care about. I put extreme effort into each and every relationship I have, so I am extremely offended when the same care is not given back to me. It’s a sign of true nonchalance, a display of indifference so belittling because I wasn’t even worth a moment to consider how it could hurt.
I understand most do not take this much care into their thoughts or actions. Still, it does not make the pain any less. I’m not as hurt by the occurence of the event in question- I’m hurt that this person cares so little for me that they did not realize it WOULD hurt me. I’m not worth the few second pause before to contemplate how I’ll feel? I’m not hurt by what you’ve done- I’m hurt by you not caring if I would be.
Once you’ve been in a situation that rendered you completely powerless and void of all control, you find yourself scrambling to reclaim control in all areas of your life. You don’t realize how badly you will work to regain it until it’s gone, and the depths to which minimal, daily scenarios become intensely serious when they don’t happen in the way you plan them. You feel as if everything is slipping through your fingers, and you’re falling back into the black hole you worked so hard to crawl out of.
I’ve kept myself from writing because I know that with this release comes an emotional uprising too tiring to initiate. Writing is a soul encompassing endeavor which leaves me both mentally && physically exhausted. Like any true artistic release, the planning to create makes the process stressful, tired and uninspired. The time it is most beautiful, is the time it is also most rewarding- when it is unplanned, undecided, and breathed purely from the power of the moment.
And in that moment, my fingers override my brain. I find them undecidedly pressing the keys, and my focus reverting to an almost mathematical format of letters, commas and synonyms. Time passes, paragraphs are formed and somewhere in the calculation, my tears have dried. I’m now focused on the wording of the thought, as opposed to how the thought itself felt. You can’t control how you feel- but you can control what you do with it.
I can’t control what someone does to me, but I can control how I react to it.
I can’t control pain being inflicted upon me, but I can control what that pain turns into.
and finally…
I can’t control that you were initially able to hurt me
But I can control that you will never be able to hurt me again.
Rae says:
Oh. I'm feeling the exact same thing right now. I ended up realizing that in the end, I was the one responsible for me feeling hurt 'coz I can always choose otherwise.
P.S. Your youtube video on confidence brought me here.
Vee says:
Thank you for this.
aysegul.papila says:
u just managed to write the whole thing im going through this past year.it was hard to read,cause i know how hard it is to take control and stay tough,even though u r torn apart inside,anywho,just thanks,this made me better in a weird way.
Claire says:
I am going through the same situation. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one having all these issues as of late!
Ammy Wenn says:
Carly you are the most inspirational woman I know. I am only 14 amd I appreciate everything you say.
Scarlette Chantique says:
Carly, I appreciate and admire every single diary post that you posted. It relates to me in a way and I'm thankful because there is someone out there like you who also feel that your emotions can be expressed through writing.
I hope someday I would be able to express beautifully like the way you do. 🙂
Take care and smile. 🙂
wannabe000 says:
It seems as though everything you write is exactly what I would want to say if I could catch my breath and find the words. Thoughts are so difficult to describe, as if they were written in another language that cannot be translated. You are a really amazing writer and I truly hope more people will witness the talents you possess.
I do have one question though. I realize many people are thinking you are always referring to a difficult romantic relationship. But as I see it, all relationships (friendships or otherwise) are practically the same. And when I am writing, and my words begin to closely relate to your ideas, I am always referring to every relationship I have ever had in which someone was hurt and it was from deep recollection I learned valuable lessons.
So I must ask this; Are your words of genius referring to that one man that hurt you, or anyone in your life who has impacted you, all having a common situation??
Samantha Sunshine says:
"Everything is a choice, every statement is an option, and every action has a reaction- all of which I analyze before making any form of assertion. Any words I say are true, any emotion I express is real, and anyone I spend time with I care about. I put extreme effort into each and every relationship I have, so I am extremely offended when the same care is not given back to me. It's a sign of true nonchalance, a display of indifference so belittling because I wasn't even worth a moment to consider how it could hurt.
I understand most do not take this much care into their thoughts or actions. Still, it does not make the pain any less. I'm not as hurt by the occurence of the event in question- I'm hurt that this person cares so little for me that they did not realize it WOULD hurt me. I'm not worth the few second pause before to contemplate how I'll feel? I'm not hurt by what you've done- I'm hurt by you not caring if I would be."
I feel the EXACT same way about relationships and friendships as you! Unfortunately alot of people don't hold the same value of friendship as it used to be. I am so glad someone else said this so I didn't think I was the only one feeling that way!!!