Recently I’ve converted from analysis to ambivalence, a change I find more confusing than the surrounding situations. I find myself increasingly detached from all sentiment, whether it be from a general disconcert or a subconscious guard of heart. I use to analyze each and every situation for meaning and reason. Now, I find myself not only avoiding such analysis, but also being completely ambivalent to the situation’s presence. As you grow older, you come to expect the heartbreak. Promises are meant to be broken, and people are only surprising when they aren’t disappointing you. When you’re young, you think things get better as you get older. But the truth is you just get better at dealing with them.
The above statement can also be argued as incorrect. Some people completely run from their problems as they age. Since acquiring physical responsibility, it only gets easier to completely regress from social responsibilities. Get in a fight? Walk out. Have a bad day? Drink it away. There’s always another door open, and always someone to replace you. The emphasis on real relationships and maintaining emotional integrity fades for some as they enter adulthood. Typically graduation brings jobs, rent && full time responsibilities. The almost instantaneous switch from ‘party’ to ‘professional’ sends a shockwave of stress that often ends in a backlash towards anything else that can be considered ‘work’. Responsibilities become paramount to relationships, friendships fade, and you’re left realizing the depths to which you are truly alone.
I’ve always felt that my relationships have been different than others. I’ve never had casual friends with whom you spend weekends out with, or a circle with which you all belonged. I would consider my relationships to be almost intoxicatingly close, an all-consuming entity of sorts. I’d spend hours communicating daily with these individuals and even years living together. I felt as though they physically were a part of me. Now this type of closeness brings joy at the fact that this person understands every little piece of you- every thought, every look. They can tell a difference in your demeanor by the simplest things, from the way you touch your hair to the way you type ‘hello’. But this closeness not only brings extreme highs, but also devastating lows. A fall out with someone with whom you’ve invested entire pieces of your soul feels like the ultimate betrayal, because it is infinitely more personal than a casual difference. Even the simplest fight can feel like a full blown attack against your person. It feels as if they’re not only turning on every part of you, but also throwing away each experience you jointly survived. The true pain isn’t realizing that what you had is gone, but instead that it can never be replaced.
But what happens when these relationships do in fact resurge? Movies lead us to believe that if a person re-enters your life that it is ‘meant to be’. We’re shown that these people who return are indeed ‘the one’ because they came back after being ‘set free’. But is it fate …or is it comfort? Is it love, or is it loneliness? And if it’s supposedly so easy, how come it never is?
How do you handle an old relationship resurfacing into your life after you spent so much time carefully patching up all emotional scars from their exit? Do you allow them access with nothing more than a well delivered apology, or do you stand your ground for which you originally asserted? And if you do allow them back, to what capacity? A movie would have us believe that this fateful re-entry would consist of the person in question running across town to stop you from boarding a train, complete with a bold declaration of love and a fistful of roses. In reality, said person often runs into you accidentally, offers you a beer and at best says they miss you. You’ve been through it all- you’ve lived, you’ve laughed and you’ve said ‘I love you’- and you ended up in flames. It can never again match it’s purest state, so why attempt for a less rate version that’s as equally, if not more, doomed? How can you differentiate if you miss them, or the person you thought they were?
Recently it’s as if every sinking ship in my life has re-emerged begging for another chance. I’ve sat across phones, tables and couches from these people, blanketed in comfort from the instant normalcy induced by their presence. The reunion is easy, fun and feels as if we had never been separated. But after the initial comfort comes a wave of unfamiliar sadness. They leave, the lock turns, and my heart is left as empty as the seat they just occupied. The silence in the room is louder than any laugh we just shared, screaming with the fact that no amount of time will remove the scar, and no apology will erase past pain.
The lights go off
The covers go up
&& I’m left alone with the sinking realization that I have nothing left.
Seraphyl says:
I kinda understand what you're going through. I've had plenty of friends (mostly guys) that have betrayed my trust and I pretty much "un-friended" them irl. They always will come back and ask for another chance. It will never be the same as before if it was bad enough "break-up" so to speak. I wish I can hold on to every single person I grow attached to or look into a new friend's eyes and see if I'll get betrayed. But things like this… no one really knows, and it sucks, but I guess, it's things like this that makes us stronger. That's what I think hardships are. I don't believe that we have to "deal" with them par se. I think we are learning to better assess the situation to empower our mentality. I've been through six major "break-ups" either with men I've dated or just friends that have betrayed my trust or hurt me in a way that I cannot continue to be in a friendship with. One thing I know for sure though, I am darn glad that I can sympathize with you on that. 🙂
coleylane says:
I think there is something to be said about the "movie" perfect vision of second chances, because like you said, it's the grand gestures that prove that it is meant to be. If said person is not willing to go above and beyond, then he is not worth taking back into your life. That's just my opinion, but you are so right. It is beyond difficult to erase the past and take away the hurtful things that are said and done. I'm so sorry to hear that.
I've also been in situations where I want to forgive people so badly and in a way I do, but the things that the person has done are still with me and I think about them often. Those things stick with you like glue. And you will never be as close to that person as you once were. It's ridiculous how that can happen. It takes so much to earn a relationship like that and so little to destroy it.
Such a difficult situation and I really admire you for writing this. You are a brilliant writer. Reminds me much of Sex and the City's Carrie's writing. 🙂
Good luck with everything love and keep smiling!
raptorsven says:
I know what that feels somewhat like I've seen it with my mom with a friend of hers tried to patch it up with them when we ment them again the friendship fell though again from something they did to her and I been there to someone I respected and something that they said to someone thats a friend of my mom got back to my mom then to me which hurt deeply yea I forgave them but the pain dosent go away fully can be years later and ya can still it a little kinda like a reminder but like the old saying gose life gose on and smile it can brightens up the gloomiest day
a.k. says:
carly, this post is so emotional and heartbreaking. but at the same time it is unbelievably beautiful, just as you are 🙂 you're strong as ever at your weakest, whether you choose to feel it or not. you're incredibly inspiring in so many ways and i wish you only the best of happiness <333
Glendaaaax3 says:
"You could patch up whatever was broken, but if you were the one who had fixed it, you'd always know in your heart where the fault lines lay."
nici2492 says:
Wow!I left a comment on your last diary entry explaining how I went through a similar situation and in this entry you wrote out my complete thought process.it's kind of creepy haha.I have the same kind of deep relationships with my friends too..how they basically feel like they're a part of you and you know eachother so well.absolutely beautiful:)
nici2492 says:
Oops I meant to say I left the message on your outfit of the days..may 15 or 16
The overthinker says:
please don't feel alone. i know it may not mean much but all your followers are here for you. things will turn themselves around. this is a process of life especially for girls our age. just hang on in there, those relationships that don't work out, fail for a reason, you learn and your grow, don't let theground open up and swallow you whole. stand up and fight for the chance to meet more amazing people. its all about the happy times and experiences you have with those you care about. if life were all about how relationships ended. wed all be alone out of fear. hang in there, xoxo
sarah says:
i've never been able to put these emotions that you are feeling into words since i have felt some of them as well. im only 17 and everything is oh so dramatic but i get what you are saying. your writing is so poetic and deep. i loved the line "The true pain isn't realizing that what you had is gone, but instead that it can never be replaced." that is so true.
champagneblonde says:
i literally had these same realisations about my once best friend this morning. this post has echoed everything that has been swirling around in my head as i make excuses for the way i feel or rather don't feel. (maybe her behaviour wasn't so bad, maybe some how i asked the universe for all this). anything to avoid the realisation that we won't ever be the same again. and most worrying to me is my ambivilance to it all. i'm numb, i should be hurting but the pain is just not there. all i feel is confusion over how we could go from the smiling happy faces in facebook photos, to this empty shell of a friendship.
i guess its the realisation that we really are all alone inside these heads and hearts of ours. you could spend the whole day trying to explain a single feeling to someone else, and find them still no closer to understanding you at the end of it. we are the sum of our experiences, and right now, my experience sucks!
3a855b84-95fc-11e0-840a-000f20980440 says:
You said that this journal is a success if you help one person feel like they're not alone. You did that for me, thank you.