I wish my thoughts would write themselves.
The times I’m most inspired to write is when I’m at my weakest. An obvious conclusion, but all the more reason why I don’t want to relieve the experience. The realization of it’s actuality once written is often worse than the original occasion. A thought can be buried away, but something written must have it’s existence first acknowledged, but then also dignified by discussion. Many nights I’ve sat up writing out everything on my mind, only to be completely erased come morning because I can’t stand visual confirmation of how weak I can be. No one looks back in reverie on a time of pain or confusion, but instead often tries to downplay or completely bury the experience. Seeing your darkest thoughts by the stark daylight brings repulsion at your newly outed insecurities- something you yourself only acknowledge alone in silence since they mirror the situation from which they were formed: private, and dark. Here you keep them exactly where they belong- buried under the covers, not on a Microsoft Word document that justifies their existence and inadvertently accepts defeat.
Odd is the realization that while I despise seeing these emotions transcribed, writing of their existence is when I feel the most free. Perhaps the true stress isn’t the feeling itself- but instead the fear of that feeling being found out.
My original intentions were never to reveal personal information. I viewed my channel as the place from which to escape such things, a venue where I could shape people’s perception of me to be only what I wanted. Here I could ignore the shortcomings, the flaws and the pain because I could be exactly what I wanted. But as time passes I realize I no longer desire to be thought of in a perfectly put-together manner. Those flaws and those shortcomings are what comprise my difference. I’d rather be ‘inspirational’ for the choices I’ve made and the thoughts I have than fit a romanticized ideal image of who people want me to be. I am, at my base, a happy person. But I will never be the girl who is perfectly friendly, intoxicatingly sweet and entirely PG. I can be all of those things, but I am not ‘that’ girl. I instead am classified by a series of ‘too’s-‘ Too sarcastic. Too skinny. Too MUCH. My confidence is mistaken for cockiness and my ambivalence is thought of as arrogance. I have an attitude, but not a problem. I stick up for myself and I will put you in your place. I’d rather have my viewers see and love me for my entirety instead of a projection of a fragment of me. I am not perfect, and I don’t want to be. I aim to be the most perfect version of myself- and that’s who I want to be known as.
You might wonder why someone who is revolting against ‘perfection’ was also the same person who had ‘barbie’ in her original username. In no way do I think that I am the physical embodiment of the doll. She was inspirational because she could be whatever and whoever she wanted with the change of an outfit, and you always saw her at her best- smiling, confident and beautiful. She is the ultimate actress, and that is what I viewed to be aspirational. To most, I am perpetually happy, constantly smiling and always styled. But most people who know me do not know my depths. They don’t see my physical pain, my artistic mind or my emo streak. I can count on one hand the people I have opened myself up to with said information, and to them I am fiercely loyal and forever attached. They have pieces of me that I fight to keep covered- and they love me for every little one.
The thought of expanding the number of people from less than ten ..to tens of thousands.. is daunting to say the least. The possibility to be judged for your innermost thoughts and ideas with which you judge yourself is far more damaging than if someone doesn’t like your dress. But the ability to influence far outweighs any potential injury. Knowing that my most appreciated videos are the ones where I’ve been completely honest about my imperfections is why I’m motivated to connect on a deeper level. I’d rather you like how I think than how I look, and I’d rather help someone struggling with their problems than be satisfied concealing my own. I will consider this diary a success if I can help one person feel like they are not alone.
cami says:
you can consider it a success 🙂 thanks for opening up to your viewers! I love your videos and your personality. <3 keep the diary entries coming !
katie says:
wow you write amazingly well. cant wait for more posts!
Holly says:
Carly, I love you 🙂 You have such a talent for writing!! I've always been the same – I can express myself better through words than numbers. Your voice is strong and I know you will inspire others to be strong as well, by sharing your stories on here. Also, I love how educated you are and your collegiate language – and you still use the phrase "emo streak" LOLOL
xoxo Holly
Gabriella says:
You write so eloquently, and I totally love this post. I love that you're "too much", you have such a great personality. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
<3 Principessa Gabriella
Hannah says:
Great post Carly, you express your thoughts so well, definitely an artist! I love your confidence, I think it is inspiring. I'm sure you will help more than 1 viewer/reader you are an amazing person, after all you have already inspired me. I hope that you continue with these posts 🙂
xox Hannah
Anna says:
Wow Carly, I have to admit, I had no idea you could write so well! Your writing style and inner thoughts definitely proves that there's more than meets the eye. I completely agree with this post as I have always considered you (and all the other beauty gurus) as somewhat of a celebrity. Not for the lifestyle you lead, or for the items you own, but for the fact that I find it hard to connect with you on a more personal level. As for how I viewed your personality, I wouldn't call it fake, but very one-dimensional. Yes, I foolishly based your whole life on your 15-minutes-and-under videos. Now, I get to know you better, and I already feel more like a long-distance friend than a fan. I have always looked up to you fashion-wise, and now I will have new reasons to consider you as my role model. I am glad you decided to add this section to your blog, you are a wonderful person and I'll always support you 🙂 -xxo
melina says:
I love you! You are truly inspirational.
nici2492 says:
Wow you are a beautiful writer!Although I hear I'm a talented writer I don't write my thoughts down very often.I am more of an introvert though…so I am constantly thinking and analyzing myself especially. I love when people actually have something meaningful to say too. It's really nice to hear what you have to say…or read what you have to write haha. Keep it up!!:)
Jantastic says:
Your writing is absolutely beautiful. I'm the same way when it comes to writing out emotions. I can express myself so much better when writing or typing out my thoughts, feelings, and fears, than I can by verbally setting them free. I also do that with music, but I'm getting off topic. I was battling some things yesterday with my appearance just by walking through a local store and having people stare, laugh, and ridicule me, all because I look different and I don't have a "normal" body type or figure. Honestly, the reason I'm so drawn to watch your videos, aside from the fact that you have a unique perception on style, you do an amazing job with hair and make up, plus you love sparkly things as do I, you're real and you seem like such an amazing & wonderful person. When you let emotions come out in your videos, it reminds us in the YT world that you're just like us, no better, no worse. I love that about you. You don't act like you're some snooty, pompous girl who only does fashion & style videos to show off how gorgeous you are. I'd love to be able to read more of your writings and to see more of the depth in your personality. You're a true inspiration, and letting your followers [sounds like an occult lol! Jk] see more that makes you Carly, I think it's going to make us appreciate you more and I already appreciate the fact that you've opened up to us as it is. You've inspired me in many ways, and you continue to do so. I hope to be more like you in the sense that you take a unique step when it comes to fashion & you do what makes you happy. I honestly need to do that myself, seeing as how I never do & never have. And about whatever has happened that you spoke about in your most recent video, I hope things get better for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Take care & God bless!
Jania :]
Holly says:
your words are beautiful and so are you. i also admire your honesty and confidence. i certainly hope i have the same confidence you have. and you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be yourself!:)
angelica says:
Sometimes I wish my thoughts would write themselves as well. I'm glad that you're opening up to us in this way. This definitely gives me more confidence with my own blog and YouTube…
The Make Up Fairy says:
Beautifully written. xxx
aviyacarmen says:
Your dairy made me feel less alone. Thanks for sharing some of your innermost thoughts. Thanks!
In response to some of your other posts: I'm the same way when it comes to relationships with people, and it hurts like hell when others don't feel the same and cannot understand it. But I can't be any other way, so we gotta learn to protect ourselves from getting hurt too often (the rose grew thorns).
Keep on being you. Because there's no better way to be. 🙂